Tuesday, April 12, 2011
To those who cared.
Friends, I am at fault. Fault for deceiving you. I've been know for this impeccable strength, for this will to fight through all challenges and walk out head held high and faith strongly intact. I have to be truthful about my last few months. I have been fueled by admiration for my ability to move past all of the crap that I've been dealt. Have you ever heard someone say, "your past will always catch up to you?" Recently, I've experienced my first true and real heartbreak. For anyone, that is an obstacle that is full of not only pain, but fury. Along with these emotions, I have been so ridiculously miserable. I'm sorry for those of you I've convinced of my surfaced happiness. Leaving Point Loma, the goal was to find a way to be content, and to build a strong woman within myself. In the words of my advisor. I thought that I had mastered the challenge, but in all honesty, I'd convinced myself that I was doing well so that I didn't have to feel hurt anymore. I've been doing this my entire life. Rather than taking the time to be sad and vulnerable, I put on my strong, empowering woman facade. A great friend of mine, who can read me by looking at me, has been telling me over this past year that until I face the root of my issues, I will always find myself spiraling downwards eventually. I've found that root. It's something I cherish, and something that I am afraid to walk away from. It's something that has had this constant power over me throughout my entire life. It is something that dangles me with a thin piece of thread, that continues to drop me and pull me back up. It's what I die to please. Every time that I sink further back into my hole, it's the image I see as I am suffocating. The reason I am writing this is because, with everything that I've been dealing with, I can't hide behind my busy schedule anymore. I can't continue to think that drinking is the right way to relax. I can't avoid my problems anymore. I am weak. I am broken. I am vulnerable. I am craving for love. So as I sit here, with every part of me lost, I've decided that I have to get back on track with my faith. To say I've been living the life of a follower in Christ, would be a lie. With that, I am deciding on whether or not I am going to give my apartment up and live with my loving grandparents who have been supporting me through this hurt. Right now, the only thing I am sure on is that I am planning a trip. I don't know where I am going, I don't believe I will be making any arrangements. I am just going somewhere, somewhere to pray, to love, to feel, and to live. I'm tired of feeling this way, and I am truly facing and dealing with this life. I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I am done lying to all of you by saying that life is great. I love you all. Sharon. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me Philippians 4:13
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Losing at my own game
I was on such a happy path.
Many changes, all seemed to lead to great places.
I feel like I'm losing everything. I've lost my independence.
I've lost my familiarity, this isn't my happy home anymore.
It's plagued with everything I've tried to walk away from.
I don't know how much longer I can stand for this.
Every inch of my body is tensed with fury.
I'm not one who results to violence, but if I don't punch something quick I'll break.
Misplaced things, empty milk jugs, taken couch, and of course the screaming.
How did things get to this place..
Constant bicker
Many changes, all seemed to lead to great places.
I feel like I'm losing everything. I've lost my independence.
I've lost my familiarity, this isn't my happy home anymore.
It's plagued with everything I've tried to walk away from.
I don't know how much longer I can stand for this.
Every inch of my body is tensed with fury.
I'm not one who results to violence, but if I don't punch something quick I'll break.
Misplaced things, empty milk jugs, taken couch, and of course the screaming.
How did things get to this place..
Constant bicker
The need for permission
What the fuck happened?
I'm ready to let it all go.
To start new once more
It will never be the same under this roof
Commitments have always meant one thing for as long as I can remember
Even those you trust the most will always let you down.
Even promises from the best of friends will always be broken.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
My 2011
So now that the 'New Year' spirit has faded, here is the blog of my reality and truth.
2010 is officially over, referred to as last year. What a great year it was. A beautiful summer. My N3N. My new job. My new school. My new independence. My new roommate. My New discoveries. My new apartment. My new friends. My new love. Full of desperation, and full of heartbreak. Full of laughter, and full of support. Incredible nonetheless.
To be honest, I've had the most life changing experiences in 2010. From finding a family in Christ, losing that support, moving in to an apartment, allegedly being forced to take a semester off, cutting ties with amazing people, allowing others to noticeably take advantage of me, saying goodbye to hearts like mine, writing my first book, being inspired by love, among countless others. My year was great, but it lacked all depth.
You'd think with a year full of these ups and downs, I'd feel content or advanced in my road; however, the truth is that I feel like I've been in the same spot, unchanging. I did not grow as a person, if anything I took steps backwards from any enhancement. I allowed myself to stay quiet and hide my tears for my pillows. I was so broken that I could not even admit it to myself. I did not turn to my faith through tough times, I harbored it all and put on the brave face, the one that you all see daily with no site of hurt.
As 2011 takes over I foresee a life of fortuity. My promise is to live, to finally live for the person I was brought here to be. I promise to not keep my mouth shut when I want to scream at the world. I promise to love like I've never loved before with an unguarded heart. I promise to stop doing what everyone else wants for me. I promise to stop doing what I think is the safe choice, the right choice. Will that be ACTUALLY transferring to NY next fall? Will it be deciding to go back to Loma? Will it be to pursue an entirely new dream? Who knows?
What I do know, is that my year is dedicated to my faith. Dedicated to walking with eyes closed and heart open. To trust in His path. I will spend more time in silence, and I will listen. My vulnerability will be at its highest and my guard will fall to the steps behind me. This year will be my year to lead my life, and to be led by His grace. It's my commitment.
I'm not sure what this swift change and a twist in unexpected path will do to me. Break me? Maybe. Bring me to my knees over and over? Likely. I know I will struggle harder and hurt more, but I will find a strength in me that I did not know existed and I will live the life that's right for me.
So here's to 2011, the years of tragedy and triumph.
<3 Sharon
2010 is officially over, referred to as last year. What a great year it was. A beautiful summer. My N3N. My new job. My new school. My new independence. My new roommate. My New discoveries. My new apartment. My new friends. My new love. Full of desperation, and full of heartbreak. Full of laughter, and full of support. Incredible nonetheless.
To be honest, I've had the most life changing experiences in 2010. From finding a family in Christ, losing that support, moving in to an apartment, allegedly being forced to take a semester off, cutting ties with amazing people, allowing others to noticeably take advantage of me, saying goodbye to hearts like mine, writing my first book, being inspired by love, among countless others. My year was great, but it lacked all depth.
You'd think with a year full of these ups and downs, I'd feel content or advanced in my road; however, the truth is that I feel like I've been in the same spot, unchanging. I did not grow as a person, if anything I took steps backwards from any enhancement. I allowed myself to stay quiet and hide my tears for my pillows. I was so broken that I could not even admit it to myself. I did not turn to my faith through tough times, I harbored it all and put on the brave face, the one that you all see daily with no site of hurt.
As 2011 takes over I foresee a life of fortuity. My promise is to live, to finally live for the person I was brought here to be. I promise to not keep my mouth shut when I want to scream at the world. I promise to love like I've never loved before with an unguarded heart. I promise to stop doing what everyone else wants for me. I promise to stop doing what I think is the safe choice, the right choice. Will that be ACTUALLY transferring to NY next fall? Will it be deciding to go back to Loma? Will it be to pursue an entirely new dream? Who knows?
What I do know, is that my year is dedicated to my faith. Dedicated to walking with eyes closed and heart open. To trust in His path. I will spend more time in silence, and I will listen. My vulnerability will be at its highest and my guard will fall to the steps behind me. This year will be my year to lead my life, and to be led by His grace. It's my commitment.
I'm not sure what this swift change and a twist in unexpected path will do to me. Break me? Maybe. Bring me to my knees over and over? Likely. I know I will struggle harder and hurt more, but I will find a strength in me that I did not know existed and I will live the life that's right for me.
So here's to 2011, the years of tragedy and triumph.
<3 Sharon
Thursday, September 30, 2010
A Happy Ending, Still in Process
When I look back at my life I wonder what I'll think. I know I'm young, and to ponder this is so bizarre, but really when I take those long walks down memory lane this is what I see.
I see this staircase. As I'm sitting at the top I can hear the yelling and crying. She runs right pass me cursing and talking to herself. The door below slams. Years pass until the day I see him again. Not that it matters, though hopes through our family were there, I was never truly his.
That day marked the rest of my life. It marked my choices, my beliefs, my lack of faith and courage in love.
With the following years, I can feel the ice. I can feel the angst I felt when my hero thought the best option for me was to be placed with family. From the "families" I can relive these moments as if they are on a constant wheel before my eyes. The images of bruises are as if they were placed there yesterday. The stench of breath tainted with alcohol reminds me of that fist he would periodically place upon her face. A baby's cry makes me think of when she would leave me alone with him, those long nights spent on the bathroom floor are far to familiar to me. I can still hear the snickers of on looking peers as the whips pierced my skin as a source of entertainment.
I was a child who didn't believe in tears, a child forced to fend for myself, a little girl who didn't believe in love, a little girl who didn't let a man anywhere near. A child abandoned.
With a small amount of time passed, I remember getting the sister I always wanted. I remember feeling briefly home. Still numb and resistant, I had a pillow to lay my against head for that short year.
When that was all over, because the good days always halt to an end, I was back with my hero. She continued to be full of sorrow as different faces came in and out of our lives. Roofs of all different sorts were our definition of home. The line, "home is where the heart is," was all we could rely on for the years that passed.
With glazed eyes and broken promises, we lived together with pure content that had an underlining disparity in my brick soul.
After continuous hurt, loneliness, and betrayal, that little girl reached a point where this life was all she ever looked forward to. There was no light in site, and her reality was paved with the same old path of unattainable dreams.
So, I look back and I see this broken child. I want to go to that little girl and hug her, I want to tell her that everything is going to be okay, I want to tell her that she's about to discover a love that is going to rock and transform her world.
In March of 2006, I can still remember the stiff wind against my cheeks as I stood at the bottom of the mountain. Eyes closed and heart open I remember each step to the peak. I reminisce on this vision, the first vision to give me chills and comfort at once. The cross stood tall and overlooked the children who were like me in many ways. I've never felt a love so overwhelming, a love so strong, a love so peaceful. That broken little girl was mended.
Right now, as I look back at the trials that came after that experience, from rain to gun point, and from death to discovery, I still feel hurt and I still feel lost at times, but overall I still feel Gods unchanging love. My father who saved me from myself, my God who took me out of the social statistic. No one on this land chose me, but He did.
When I look back on my life so far, I see triumph, I see a girl who loves unconditionally, I see a child heart that's still vulnerable. I see a girl who is still afraid to trust, I see a young woman who perseveres, I see a young woman who's faith undoubtedly shapes her life. I see a woman who is strong willed and stubborn. I see a woman who is still growing and learning to walk with her heart daily. I see a girl who isn't afraid to to cry. I see a girl who was the exception.
That day marked the rest of my life. It marked my choices, my beliefs, my lack of faith and courage in love.
With the following years, I can feel the ice. I can feel the angst I felt when my hero thought the best option for me was to be placed with family. From the "families" I can relive these moments as if they are on a constant wheel before my eyes. The images of bruises are as if they were placed there yesterday. The stench of breath tainted with alcohol reminds me of that fist he would periodically place upon her face. A baby's cry makes me think of when she would leave me alone with him, those long nights spent on the bathroom floor are far to familiar to me. I can still hear the snickers of on looking peers as the whips pierced my skin as a source of entertainment.
I was a child who didn't believe in tears, a child forced to fend for myself, a little girl who didn't believe in love, a little girl who didn't let a man anywhere near. A child abandoned.
With a small amount of time passed, I remember getting the sister I always wanted. I remember feeling briefly home. Still numb and resistant, I had a pillow to lay my against head for that short year.
When that was all over, because the good days always halt to an end, I was back with my hero. She continued to be full of sorrow as different faces came in and out of our lives. Roofs of all different sorts were our definition of home. The line, "home is where the heart is," was all we could rely on for the years that passed.
With glazed eyes and broken promises, we lived together with pure content that had an underlining disparity in my brick soul.
After continuous hurt, loneliness, and betrayal, that little girl reached a point where this life was all she ever looked forward to. There was no light in site, and her reality was paved with the same old path of unattainable dreams.
So, I look back and I see this broken child. I want to go to that little girl and hug her, I want to tell her that everything is going to be okay, I want to tell her that she's about to discover a love that is going to rock and transform her world.
In March of 2006, I can still remember the stiff wind against my cheeks as I stood at the bottom of the mountain. Eyes closed and heart open I remember each step to the peak. I reminisce on this vision, the first vision to give me chills and comfort at once. The cross stood tall and overlooked the children who were like me in many ways. I've never felt a love so overwhelming, a love so strong, a love so peaceful. That broken little girl was mended.Right now, as I look back at the trials that came after that experience, from rain to gun point, and from death to discovery, I still feel hurt and I still feel lost at times, but overall I still feel Gods unchanging love. My father who saved me from myself, my God who took me out of the social statistic. No one on this land chose me, but He did.
When I look back on my life so far, I see triumph, I see a girl who loves unconditionally, I see a child heart that's still vulnerable. I see a girl who is still afraid to trust, I see a young woman who perseveres, I see a young woman who's faith undoubtedly shapes her life. I see a woman who is strong willed and stubborn. I see a woman who is still growing and learning to walk with her heart daily. I see a girl who isn't afraid to to cry. I see a girl who was the exception.
Wouldn't Change A Thing
It's been a really long time since I've written on my blog. A part of me has been trying to live in bliss, and by writing all of my truths inevitably spill.
Now that I'm here again, I can honestly say these last few weeks have flown with a blur. My life has been so unbelievably busy with school, work, teaching guard, and being youth staff. I miss my old routines, I miss how my life did not fluctuate. The toll that this unknown, new complex reality has placed upon my mind is something that I've never really felt. I've never felt so independent, and it's been years since I've felt this alone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a place where I'm sad by any means. It may be strange, but I think this has been an amazing growth period for me. I am happy with myself, and I've learned that being alone doesn't mean that love isn't always surrounding. This transition has made me understand that when you've grown up like me, people are a necessity. To be able to say that I am honestly happy with the changes that have happened just justifies the truth behind Gods will and timing.
When Loma was in question I was so angry with God and I turned the blame everywhere I possibly could. His plans for me were different and beneficial. In the moment leaving was hard and the absolute last thing I would've ever chosen for my path, but this is clearly not my path to choose!
Right now, I am stressed, constantly moving, happy, silenced, living, and praying. I love where I am mentally and spiritually.
So there's the update that so many of you have been asking for. I'm sorry for not replying to calls, text messages, emails, messages, wall posts, etc. Please know that I love you all dearly and I wish I wasn't so busy and as soon as things start to settle down I will schedule many lunch/coffee dates!
I am going to end with a list of things:
1. Here's a bible verse that has truly gotten me through the last few years.
3. Here's a picture of Me, my god son Alex, my non biological sister Heather, and my big brother Brandon at the 2010 Pacific Islander Festival!
Now that I'm here again, I can honestly say these last few weeks have flown with a blur. My life has been so unbelievably busy with school, work, teaching guard, and being youth staff. I miss my old routines, I miss how my life did not fluctuate. The toll that this unknown, new complex reality has placed upon my mind is something that I've never really felt. I've never felt so independent, and it's been years since I've felt this alone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a place where I'm sad by any means. It may be strange, but I think this has been an amazing growth period for me. I am happy with myself, and I've learned that being alone doesn't mean that love isn't always surrounding. This transition has made me understand that when you've grown up like me, people are a necessity. To be able to say that I am honestly happy with the changes that have happened just justifies the truth behind Gods will and timing.
When Loma was in question I was so angry with God and I turned the blame everywhere I possibly could. His plans for me were different and beneficial. In the moment leaving was hard and the absolute last thing I would've ever chosen for my path, but this is clearly not my path to choose!
Right now, I am stressed, constantly moving, happy, silenced, living, and praying. I love where I am mentally and spiritually.
So there's the update that so many of you have been asking for. I'm sorry for not replying to calls, text messages, emails, messages, wall posts, etc. Please know that I love you all dearly and I wish I wasn't so busy and as soon as things start to settle down I will schedule many lunch/coffee dates!
I am going to end with a list of things:
1. Here's a bible verse that has truly gotten me through the last few years.
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. - 2 Cor 1:3-7
2. I've been working at AMC for the last two months and this has been going NON STOP since CR 2 (which I loved). So bask in the lyrical genius. joke.
3. Here's a picture of Me, my god son Alex, my non biological sister Heather, and my big brother Brandon at the 2010 Pacific Islander Festival!
<3Sharon
Friday, June 11, 2010
The Blog I've Been Dreading
Writing is my way of expression. It's the way I clear and mend my thoughts out of the crazy complexities. I have chosen not to write for the past few weeks because I've been absolutely broken and confused. Typically, that's when the majority of my writing should take place, but I pushed it off because I didn't really want to face what my future has in store for me and writing it now just makes it that much more real. With that said, I will be taking a semester of from PLNU.
Most people know that I will be taking a semester off, but only few really know why. I've been trying to convince myself that I am confident and okay with this decision, but the truth is, I am really afraid. If you're reading this and I told you it was because I just wanted to knock out the rest of my GE's, while that is true, the story goes deeper.
Point Loma was everything I ever dreamed. I love the sense of community, I love the wonderful people I met, and I love how much I've grown because of Loma. One thing I learned while I was at Loma was that I have this mentality of a fixer. I feel like it is my obligation to fix and help everyone and everything that is going on around me. I get so lost in this fixation that I neglect to fix myself, and I fail to see when I need to put myself and my needs first.
With events and obstacles that were thrown at me during my freshman year, that problem surfaced, and by the time I tried to do something about this problem, it was just to late. I was so mixed up in trying to fix everyone else that I drove myself to a point where I just couldn't handle life. So after long days and nights of tears, confusion, and prayer, the decision was made. Two women that I love and admire thought it was in my best interest to learn to take care of myself as well. So that's that. I will be out of Loma and into Mesa for one semester.
It's taken a lot of coping and I'm still dealing with the everything that's been throw at me, it hasn't been easy by any means, but I know that I am strong and I know that God will guide me through this change, and I WILL be back at Loma.
I know it's only a semester, but when I think back to the two semesters I've already spent at Loma, a semester is a long time. It's a long time of no caf lane, it's long time of no Time Out, it's a long time of no chapel, it's a long time of separation from my wonderful sisters, and it's a long time of no beautiful, unique community that I found.
In the next few months, I am going to strive to truly understand what it means to put myself first, which is something that I've never done, and I am going to count down the days until I return to Loma.
For now I will hold the photographs and memories close to my heart. Following is a series of pictures that will forever remind me of the family that I've gained during my freshman year at Loma.
Most people know that I will be taking a semester off, but only few really know why. I've been trying to convince myself that I am confident and okay with this decision, but the truth is, I am really afraid. If you're reading this and I told you it was because I just wanted to knock out the rest of my GE's, while that is true, the story goes deeper.
Point Loma was everything I ever dreamed. I love the sense of community, I love the wonderful people I met, and I love how much I've grown because of Loma. One thing I learned while I was at Loma was that I have this mentality of a fixer. I feel like it is my obligation to fix and help everyone and everything that is going on around me. I get so lost in this fixation that I neglect to fix myself, and I fail to see when I need to put myself and my needs first.
With events and obstacles that were thrown at me during my freshman year, that problem surfaced, and by the time I tried to do something about this problem, it was just to late. I was so mixed up in trying to fix everyone else that I drove myself to a point where I just couldn't handle life. So after long days and nights of tears, confusion, and prayer, the decision was made. Two women that I love and admire thought it was in my best interest to learn to take care of myself as well. So that's that. I will be out of Loma and into Mesa for one semester.
It's taken a lot of coping and I'm still dealing with the everything that's been throw at me, it hasn't been easy by any means, but I know that I am strong and I know that God will guide me through this change, and I WILL be back at Loma.
I know it's only a semester, but when I think back to the two semesters I've already spent at Loma, a semester is a long time. It's a long time of no caf lane, it's long time of no Time Out, it's a long time of no chapel, it's a long time of separation from my wonderful sisters, and it's a long time of no beautiful, unique community that I found.
In the next few months, I am going to strive to truly understand what it means to put myself first, which is something that I've never done, and I am going to count down the days until I return to Loma.
For now I will hold the photographs and memories close to my heart. Following is a series of pictures that will forever remind me of the family that I've gained during my freshman year at Loma.
Love you tons N3N
Trying To Be Serious
Weird Love!
Freshman!
Freshies Hug
Sophomores!
Sophomores Are Crazy!
N3N <3>
Monday, May 10, 2010
Epic
Alright, if you're a potential Sea Lion this blog is specifically for you.
This year has been amazing. The student body has connected, we're undoubtedly a community of love. With the pressure from finals and the end of the year approaching... what's left for us?
AN EPIC LIBRARY DANCE PARTY!!!
471 Sea Lions packed the third floor of Ryan and engaged in one of the most awesome events ever. Shout out to Eric Hill and Ian McKay for arranging such an amazing study break!! Now back to studying :)
This year has been amazing. The student body has connected, we're undoubtedly a community of love. With the pressure from finals and the end of the year approaching... what's left for us?
AN EPIC LIBRARY DANCE PARTY!!!
471 Sea Lions packed the third floor of Ryan and engaged in one of the most awesome events ever. Shout out to Eric Hill and Ian McKay for arranging such an amazing study break!! Now back to studying :)
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