To those who cared.

Friends, I am at fault. Fault for deceiving you. I've been know for this impeccable strength, for this will to fight through all challenges and walk out head held high and faith strongly intact. I have to be truthful about my last few months. I have been fueled by admiration for my ability to move past all of the crap that I've been dealt. Have you ever heard someone say, "your past will always catch up to you?" Recently, I've experienced my first true and real heartbreak. For anyone, that is an obstacle that is full of not only pain, but fury. Along with these emotions, I have been so ridiculously miserable. I'm sorry for those of you I've convinced of my surfaced happiness. Leaving Point Loma, the goal was to find a way to be content, and to build a strong woman within myself. In the words of my advisor. I thought that I had mastered the challenge, but in all honesty, I'd convinced myself that I was doing well so that I didn't have to feel hurt anymore. I've been doing this my entire life. Rather than taking the time to be sad and vulnerable, I put on my strong, empowering woman facade. A great friend of mine, who can read me by looking at me, has been telling me over this past year that until I face the root of my issues, I will always find myself spiraling downwards eventually. I've found that root. It's something I cherish, and something that I am afraid to walk away from. It's something that has had this constant power over me throughout my entire life. It is something that dangles me with a thin piece of thread, that continues to drop me and pull me back up. It's what I die to please. Every time that I sink further back into my hole, it's the image I see as I am suffocating. The reason I am writing this is because, with everything that I've been dealing with, I can't hide behind my busy schedule anymore. I can't continue to think that drinking is the right way to relax. I can't avoid my problems anymore. I am weak. I am broken. I am vulnerable. I am craving for love. So as I sit here, with every part of me lost, I've decided that I have to get back on track with my faith. To say I've been living the life of a follower in Christ, would be a lie. With that, I am deciding on whether or not I am going to give my apartment up and live with my loving grandparents who have been supporting me through this hurt. Right now, the only thing I am sure on is that I am planning a trip. I don't know where I am going, I don't believe I will be making any arrangements. I am just going somewhere, somewhere to pray, to love, to feel, and to live. I'm tired of feeling this way, and I am truly facing and dealing with this life. I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I am done lying to all of you by saying that life is great. I love you all. Sharon. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me Philippians 4:13

Losing at my own game

I was on such a happy path.
Many changes, all seemed to lead to great places.

I feel like I'm losing everything. I've lost my independence.
I've lost my familiarity, this isn't my happy home anymore.
It's plagued with everything I've tried to walk away from.
I don't know how much longer I can stand for this.

Every inch of my body is tensed with fury.
I'm not one who results to violence, but if I don't punch something quick I'll break.
Misplaced things, empty milk jugs, taken couch, and of course the screaming.
How did things get to this place..

Constant bicker

The need for permission

What the fuck happened?

I'm ready to let it all go.

To start new once more

It will never be the same under this roof

Commitments have always meant one thing for as long as I can remember

Even those you trust the most will always let you down.

Even promises from the best of friends will always be broken.

My 2011

So now that the 'New Year' spirit has faded, here is the blog of my reality and truth.

2010 is officially over, referred to as last year. What a great year it was. A beautiful summer. My N3N. My new job. My new school. My new independence. My new roommate. My New discoveries. My new apartment. My new friends. My new love. Full of desperation, and full of heartbreak. Full of laughter, and full of support. Incredible nonetheless.



To be honest, I've had the most life changing experiences in 2010. From finding a family in Christ, losing that support, moving in to an apartment, allegedly being forced to take a semester off, cutting ties with amazing people, allowing others to noticeably take advantage of me, saying goodbye to hearts like mine, writing my first book, being inspired by love, among countless others. My year was great, but it lacked all depth.

You'd think with a year full of these ups and downs, I'd feel content or advanced in my road; however, the truth is that I feel like I've been in the same spot, unchanging. I did not grow as a person, if anything I took steps backwards from any enhancement. I allowed myself to stay quiet and hide my tears for my pillows. I was so broken that I could not even admit it to myself. I did not turn to my faith through tough times, I harbored it all and put on the brave face, the one that you all see daily with no site of hurt.



As 2011 takes over I foresee a life of fortuity. My promise is to live, to finally live for the person I was brought here to be. I promise to not keep my mouth shut when I want to scream at the world. I promise to love like I've never loved before with an unguarded heart. I promise to stop doing what everyone else wants for me. I promise to stop doing what I think is the safe choice, the right choice. Will that be ACTUALLY transferring to NY next fall? Will it be deciding to go back to Loma? Will it be to pursue an entirely new dream? Who knows?



What I do know, is that my year is dedicated to my faith. Dedicated to walking with eyes closed and heart open. To trust in His path. I will spend more time in silence, and I will listen. My vulnerability will be at its highest and my guard will fall to the steps behind me. This year will be my year to lead my life, and to be led by His grace. It's my commitment.



I'm not sure what this swift change and a twist in unexpected path will do to me. Break me? Maybe. Bring me to my knees over and over? Likely. I know I will struggle harder and hurt more, but I will find a strength in me that I did not know existed and I will live the life that's right for me.

So here's to 2011, the years of tragedy and triumph.



<3 Sharon