To those who cared.

Friends, I am at fault. Fault for deceiving you. I've been know for this impeccable strength, for this will to fight through all challenges and walk out head held high and faith strongly intact. I have to be truthful about my last few months. I have been fueled by admiration for my ability to move past all of the crap that I've been dealt. Have you ever heard someone say, "your past will always catch up to you?" Recently, I've experienced my first true and real heartbreak. For anyone, that is an obstacle that is full of not only pain, but fury. Along with these emotions, I have been so ridiculously miserable. I'm sorry for those of you I've convinced of my surfaced happiness. Leaving Point Loma, the goal was to find a way to be content, and to build a strong woman within myself. In the words of my advisor. I thought that I had mastered the challenge, but in all honesty, I'd convinced myself that I was doing well so that I didn't have to feel hurt anymore. I've been doing this my entire life. Rather than taking the time to be sad and vulnerable, I put on my strong, empowering woman facade. A great friend of mine, who can read me by looking at me, has been telling me over this past year that until I face the root of my issues, I will always find myself spiraling downwards eventually. I've found that root. It's something I cherish, and something that I am afraid to walk away from. It's something that has had this constant power over me throughout my entire life. It is something that dangles me with a thin piece of thread, that continues to drop me and pull me back up. It's what I die to please. Every time that I sink further back into my hole, it's the image I see as I am suffocating. The reason I am writing this is because, with everything that I've been dealing with, I can't hide behind my busy schedule anymore. I can't continue to think that drinking is the right way to relax. I can't avoid my problems anymore. I am weak. I am broken. I am vulnerable. I am craving for love. So as I sit here, with every part of me lost, I've decided that I have to get back on track with my faith. To say I've been living the life of a follower in Christ, would be a lie. With that, I am deciding on whether or not I am going to give my apartment up and live with my loving grandparents who have been supporting me through this hurt. Right now, the only thing I am sure on is that I am planning a trip. I don't know where I am going, I don't believe I will be making any arrangements. I am just going somewhere, somewhere to pray, to love, to feel, and to live. I'm tired of feeling this way, and I am truly facing and dealing with this life. I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I am done lying to all of you by saying that life is great. I love you all. Sharon. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me Philippians 4:13