So now that the 'New Year' spirit has faded, here is the blog of my reality and truth.
2010 is officially over, referred to as last year. What a great year it was. A beautiful summer. My N3N. My new job. My new school. My new independence. My new roommate. My New discoveries. My new apartment. My new friends. My new love. Full of desperation, and full of heartbreak. Full of laughter, and full of support. Incredible nonetheless.
To be honest, I've had the most life changing experiences in 2010. From finding a family in Christ, losing that support, moving in to an apartment, allegedly being forced to take a semester off, cutting ties with amazing people, allowing others to noticeably take advantage of me, saying goodbye to hearts like mine, writing my first book, being inspired by love, among countless others. My year was great, but it lacked all depth.
You'd think with a year full of these ups and downs, I'd feel content or advanced in my road; however, the truth is that I feel like I've been in the same spot, unchanging. I did not grow as a person, if anything I took steps backwards from any enhancement. I allowed myself to stay quiet and hide my tears for my pillows. I was so broken that I could not even admit it to myself. I did not turn to my faith through tough times, I harbored it all and put on the brave face, the one that you all see daily with no site of hurt.
As 2011 takes over I foresee a life of fortuity. My promise is to live, to finally live for the person I was brought here to be. I promise to not keep my mouth shut when I want to scream at the world. I promise to love like I've never loved before with an unguarded heart. I promise to stop doing what everyone else wants for me. I promise to stop doing what I think is the safe choice, the right choice. Will that be ACTUALLY transferring to NY next fall? Will it be deciding to go back to Loma? Will it be to pursue an entirely new dream? Who knows?
What I do know, is that my year is dedicated to my faith. Dedicated to walking with eyes closed and heart open. To trust in His path. I will spend more time in silence, and I will listen. My vulnerability will be at its highest and my guard will fall to the steps behind me. This year will be my year to lead my life, and to be led by His grace. It's my commitment.
I'm not sure what this swift change and a twist in unexpected path will do to me. Break me? Maybe. Bring me to my knees over and over? Likely. I know I will struggle harder and hurt more, but I will find a strength in me that I did not know existed and I will live the life that's right for me.
So here's to 2011, the years of tragedy and triumph.
<3 Sharon
